My wife and I periodically take a personality inventory in which one can score either as a thinker or as a feeler. It shows whether you make decisions with your head or your heart. Thinkers and feelers gravitate to different kinds of occupations. A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer asked, “What’s with these guys? We’ve been waiting for fifteen minutes.” The doctor agreed, “I don’t know, but this is ridiculous.” The pastor noted, “Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.” The pastor called out to the groundskeeper, “Say, George, what’s with the group ahead of us?” George said, “They are rather slow, aren’t they? That’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group was silent for a moment. The pastor sympathized, “That’s so sad. I think I’ll say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor added, “That’s a good idea. In fact, I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything we can do for these guys.” The engineer suggested, “Well, in the meantime, why can’t these guys play at night?” I think you know what category the engineer fell into.
The majority of men score in the thinking category while the majority of women score in the feeling category. In my marriage, it’s just the opposite. I don’t know if I think like a woman or Penny feels like a man. But it affects our relationship. The first time I was sick, I wanted some serious comfort. I wanted sympathy, understanding, breakfast in bed with Snickers and ice cream, and a little bit of encouragement. She said, “You’re not that sick. Take a shower and go to work. You’ll feel better later.” Once I woke up with a backache, moaning and looking for some comfort. Penny said, “Get on the floor and do the exercises you are supposed to be doing. You’ll feel better.” I felt like the man who had a critical heart problem. The doctor called his wife in by herself and said, “Your husband is in bad shape. He will die unless you cook healthy foods for him, rub his neck, and meet his every need so that he can relax and not worry about anything.” When they were alone her husband asked what the doctor had said. The wife replied, “He said that you’re going to die.”
Thinkers are like that. They don’t gift-wrap things. One fellow that had one too many was stumbling home through a cemetery late one frosty night. He fell into an open grave. Pretty soon another inebriated type came along and heard the first fellow yelling from the hole in the ground, “Help. I’m cold. I’m cold.” The second fellow peered into the open grave and said, “Well, no wonder. You kicked all your dirt off.”
Inebriated thinkers are still thinkers. They have the ability to depersonalize things. Their humor is even different. They like jokes like the one about the war camp. The prison camp leader said, “Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news. First the good news: There is a change of underwear in the shower for everyone. But now the bad news: Smith you change with Jones, Jones you change with Smith…” You get the idea. If you are a thinker you are probably laughing. If you are a feeler, you are saying, “Yuck! How could he say that?”
I knew an administrator who was a thinker. People said he would fire his own mother. He replied, “No. I would never have hired her in the first place.” Thinkers would rather be right than be liked. They don’t worry about presentation; they just give you the cold, hard facts. Feelers gift-wrap everything.
Being liked is important to feelers. They are concerned with people’s feelings; they understand people and want to help. Unfortunately, this means they have a tough time saying no. They are the ones at the family reunion trying to keep everyone happy, especially after some thinker just insulted everyone at the table.
So why do feelers get into trouble? Because in trying to take care of the whole world, they end up resenting the world. Feelers have to remember what you learn on the airplane. In times of trouble, first put the oxygen mask over your own face and then help your children. You can’t take care of others if you don’t first take care of yourself.
How should I make decisions? With my heart or with my head? Use both. Don’t you know that they are connected? God connected them with a word. The word is love. Speak the truth in love. A gentle heart and a firm mind can get along when connected by love. Love connects a lot of opposites. It’s kept my wife and me connected for a long time. She has even softened up to my sick spells. As a matter of fact she goes overboard. When she says, “Does my little boy have a runny nose?” It takes a little joy out of my ice cream. But her heart is right. And for a thinker, that’s progress. So I respond, “Yes,” and I also add, “Your little boy has a headache, too, which a Snickers would really help.” So when heart and head are in competition, remember the love connection.
http://www.freecomicbelief.com
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Home Alone
Life has different stages. Someone has said there are four stages of life: you believe in Santa Claus; you don’t believe in Santa Claus; you are Santa Claus; and you look like Santa Claus. My wife and I are at the empty nest stage. That’s kind of in between being Santa and looking like him. It took us about ten minutes to get used to this stage. I have raised three daughters (God doesn’t send a son to a house where there’s already a man), and survived pantyhose strangulation. I feel like the guy who went through seminary but never believed in original sin. About twenty years later he ran into one of his professors. The professor asked if he still didn’t believe in original sin. He said that after raising teenagers and pastoring a church, he not only believed in original sin, but now he also believed in demon possession.
I’m now back to living with just my wife again, and she’s gone to visit the girls. I’m home alone. I’m like most of you guys. I really out-punted my coverage when I married. Not only is my wife beautiful, but she’s also organized. Everything has its place, and it better be there. She is thorough; she even proofreads a Xerox copy. That’s probably why God brought her into my life. My life is random haphazardness. I have a photographic mind. I just lose the film. I try to get it together, but when I do I can’t remember where I put it.
In clinical terms, Penny would be a compulsive neurotic. I would be what’s clinically called sloppy. So God brought us together. Why? Because God likes to laugh, that’s why.
Now, I have to admit Penny has gone overboard a few times. On vacation she used to want to clean up the car at every stop. I finally convinced her that’s unrealistic, and we decided to follow my plan. Enjoy the trip and hose out the car when we get there. Sometimes she cleans up things even before I’m through with them – like the time I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and she made the bed. I have to admit, however, it has helped me – at least I’m faster. I read the paper in one sitting. If I ever put it down, it’s gone.
Now, I’m home alone thinking about what life would have been like if I had remained single. Before I got married, I used to look in the refrigerator and play the “Unsolved Refrigerator Mystery” game. It’s a great game. You find a friend and take ten things out of the refrigerator and guess what’s under that green penicillin stuff and the one who loses has to eat it.
Well, the game is over and I lost, so I’m just sitting here in my chair looking around the house. I look around and see all the beautiful matching towels. We have regular towels that match the color scheme. Then we have guest towels that match the color scheme, but are just for guests. Then there are the “touch-me-not” towels that are for decoration only. And of course we have hand towels to accent the bigger towels that help bring out the appropriate color. If it were just me, I would have two towels – one wet and one dry. Alternate each day for about six months, then throw them away and get two more towels.
If I were single, I’d probably have one chair and one big TV and, of course, the remote control (appropriately named for all the dysfunctional males with MGMCTVD - Male Genetic Multi-Channel TV Disorder – who want to be remote but in control). When I look around, I see that Penny has put a lot of beauty in this place. No wonder God said it was not good for us to be alone. When God looked down He wanted to see something worth looking at – not two towels, a chair and a TV.
I read the other day that in the U.S., single men commit 80-90% of all crimes. So what do we do? We send them to prison with other men. What we should do is start a dating service. Find a good woman.
Well, got to go. The phone is ringing. It’s Penny! “You’re coming tomorrow?” Man, I’ve got to get this mess cleaned up quick. Where’s that water hose?
http://www.freecomicbelief.com
I’m now back to living with just my wife again, and she’s gone to visit the girls. I’m home alone. I’m like most of you guys. I really out-punted my coverage when I married. Not only is my wife beautiful, but she’s also organized. Everything has its place, and it better be there. She is thorough; she even proofreads a Xerox copy. That’s probably why God brought her into my life. My life is random haphazardness. I have a photographic mind. I just lose the film. I try to get it together, but when I do I can’t remember where I put it.
In clinical terms, Penny would be a compulsive neurotic. I would be what’s clinically called sloppy. So God brought us together. Why? Because God likes to laugh, that’s why.
Now, I have to admit Penny has gone overboard a few times. On vacation she used to want to clean up the car at every stop. I finally convinced her that’s unrealistic, and we decided to follow my plan. Enjoy the trip and hose out the car when we get there. Sometimes she cleans up things even before I’m through with them – like the time I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and she made the bed. I have to admit, however, it has helped me – at least I’m faster. I read the paper in one sitting. If I ever put it down, it’s gone.
Now, I’m home alone thinking about what life would have been like if I had remained single. Before I got married, I used to look in the refrigerator and play the “Unsolved Refrigerator Mystery” game. It’s a great game. You find a friend and take ten things out of the refrigerator and guess what’s under that green penicillin stuff and the one who loses has to eat it.
Well, the game is over and I lost, so I’m just sitting here in my chair looking around the house. I look around and see all the beautiful matching towels. We have regular towels that match the color scheme. Then we have guest towels that match the color scheme, but are just for guests. Then there are the “touch-me-not” towels that are for decoration only. And of course we have hand towels to accent the bigger towels that help bring out the appropriate color. If it were just me, I would have two towels – one wet and one dry. Alternate each day for about six months, then throw them away and get two more towels.
If I were single, I’d probably have one chair and one big TV and, of course, the remote control (appropriately named for all the dysfunctional males with MGMCTVD - Male Genetic Multi-Channel TV Disorder – who want to be remote but in control). When I look around, I see that Penny has put a lot of beauty in this place. No wonder God said it was not good for us to be alone. When God looked down He wanted to see something worth looking at – not two towels, a chair and a TV.
I read the other day that in the U.S., single men commit 80-90% of all crimes. So what do we do? We send them to prison with other men. What we should do is start a dating service. Find a good woman.
Well, got to go. The phone is ringing. It’s Penny! “You’re coming tomorrow?” Man, I’ve got to get this mess cleaned up quick. Where’s that water hose?
http://www.freecomicbelief.com
Men
A few years ago the Forester Sisters sang a song about men. It went something like this:
“They buy you dinner, open your door, other than that, what are they good for? Men. They want a girl like the girl that married dear old Dad. That makes me so mad. Talking about men. Well, you can’t beat ‘em up ‘cause they’re bigger than you. You can’t live with them and you just can’t shoot them. Men, we’re talking about men.”
I have to admit, men do have problems with relationships. We grow up playing baseball, football, and basketball. A man thinks “talk” is a four-letter word. He thinks the relationship is going great if he doesn’t have to talk. Putting him in a situation where he has to talk about relationships makes him very uncomfortable. That’s why men go to the bathroom alone; that’s the way God intended it.
Men have difficulty expressing themselves. When my daughters call, I say only three things, “How’s the weather? Need any money? Here’s your mother.” A woman can talk on the phone for thirty minutes, and when you ask her who it was she says, “I don’t know. They had the wrong number.”
Men are simple. Women are complex. Women may even be smarter. Think about it. A woman’s best friend is diamonds, and man’s best friend is a dog.
I know women are more complex than men. When a woman is going out, she has to decide if she is going to wear her hair up or down, flats or high heels, slacks or a dress, casual or dressy dress, stockings, knee-highs or socks, jewelry or no jewelry, lots of make-up or a little make-up. A man picks up some clothes, smells them, and if there is no visible dirt he has himself an outfit. A man makes a fashion statement by turning the brim of his baseball cap backwards. Women dress to express themselves and men dress so they won’t be naked.
I see things in one dimension. It works or it doesn’t work. My wife sees it at a different level. For example, we moved into an almost new house with almost new wallpaper and Penny said, “That’s got to go.” I’m thinking, “Why? It’s almost new, it covers the wall – it works.” She says, “It’s not me.” I say, “It’s not me either; it’s wallpaper.”
We have thirteen pillows on our bed. I ask myself, “Why? I have one head; I need only one pillow.” The difference between men and women is best illustrated when you look at what women carry – a purse. It contains everything they might need. Men carry a wallet. It conveniently contains nothing but money, which means I can buy whatever I need. It’s simple! Women, on the other hand, are complex. Actually, women have many purses. My wife has casual purses and formal purses, and she even has spring purses. Some women even buy a purse just to match their shoes. What would my friends do if I told them I couldn’t wait for them to see my new spring wallet that matches my new shoes? They would run. Men are simple. Women are complex. These differences affect many aspects of a relationship.
When dealing with your wife, let me tell you what simply doesn’t work, especially in the area of gifts. If your last gifts have been things like salad shooters, dust-busters, weed whackers, deluxe irons, and drywall compound, you are in serious trouble. They work, but they don’t work with your wife. I was in serious trouble this year. I thought I did great. I got her a gift certificate. I still messed up; she said I got the wrong size.
Yes, men and women are different. That was God’s plan. The difference is the dynamic. Together we are more than we ever could have been apart. That’s why God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone. He made him a helper to complete him…or was it to finish him off?
http://www.freecomicbelief.com
“They buy you dinner, open your door, other than that, what are they good for? Men. They want a girl like the girl that married dear old Dad. That makes me so mad. Talking about men. Well, you can’t beat ‘em up ‘cause they’re bigger than you. You can’t live with them and you just can’t shoot them. Men, we’re talking about men.”
I have to admit, men do have problems with relationships. We grow up playing baseball, football, and basketball. A man thinks “talk” is a four-letter word. He thinks the relationship is going great if he doesn’t have to talk. Putting him in a situation where he has to talk about relationships makes him very uncomfortable. That’s why men go to the bathroom alone; that’s the way God intended it.
Men have difficulty expressing themselves. When my daughters call, I say only three things, “How’s the weather? Need any money? Here’s your mother.” A woman can talk on the phone for thirty minutes, and when you ask her who it was she says, “I don’t know. They had the wrong number.”
Men are simple. Women are complex. Women may even be smarter. Think about it. A woman’s best friend is diamonds, and man’s best friend is a dog.
I know women are more complex than men. When a woman is going out, she has to decide if she is going to wear her hair up or down, flats or high heels, slacks or a dress, casual or dressy dress, stockings, knee-highs or socks, jewelry or no jewelry, lots of make-up or a little make-up. A man picks up some clothes, smells them, and if there is no visible dirt he has himself an outfit. A man makes a fashion statement by turning the brim of his baseball cap backwards. Women dress to express themselves and men dress so they won’t be naked.
I see things in one dimension. It works or it doesn’t work. My wife sees it at a different level. For example, we moved into an almost new house with almost new wallpaper and Penny said, “That’s got to go.” I’m thinking, “Why? It’s almost new, it covers the wall – it works.” She says, “It’s not me.” I say, “It’s not me either; it’s wallpaper.”
We have thirteen pillows on our bed. I ask myself, “Why? I have one head; I need only one pillow.” The difference between men and women is best illustrated when you look at what women carry – a purse. It contains everything they might need. Men carry a wallet. It conveniently contains nothing but money, which means I can buy whatever I need. It’s simple! Women, on the other hand, are complex. Actually, women have many purses. My wife has casual purses and formal purses, and she even has spring purses. Some women even buy a purse just to match their shoes. What would my friends do if I told them I couldn’t wait for them to see my new spring wallet that matches my new shoes? They would run. Men are simple. Women are complex. These differences affect many aspects of a relationship.
When dealing with your wife, let me tell you what simply doesn’t work, especially in the area of gifts. If your last gifts have been things like salad shooters, dust-busters, weed whackers, deluxe irons, and drywall compound, you are in serious trouble. They work, but they don’t work with your wife. I was in serious trouble this year. I thought I did great. I got her a gift certificate. I still messed up; she said I got the wrong size.
Yes, men and women are different. That was God’s plan. The difference is the dynamic. Together we are more than we ever could have been apart. That’s why God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone. He made him a helper to complete him…or was it to finish him off?
http://www.freecomicbelief.com
Two O'Clock Bus
A sports team was in the middle of a terrible losing streak when the manager called a meeting and said, “There will be two buses leaving the hotel for the ballpark tomorrow. The two o’clock bus is for those of you who need a little extra work. The empty bus leaves at five o’clock.” In other words, everyone on the team needed a little extra work. Men also need to put in some extra effort, especially in the area of relationships.
It’s not hard to find evidence that men have some shortcomings. Recently, without even trying very hard, I found three telling examples in the news. The first example was about a basketball coach who admitted to being “a little bit too focused.” He said that when his young son was three years old, he took him to the barbershop so they could both get a haircut. While the coach was getting his haircut, he started focusing on a ball game on TV, and he continued to think about it as he went home. Two hours later, his wife came home and asked, “Where’s Jeff?” Just then the barbershop called to say, “Jeff’s read all the comic books that are here, and we’re about to close. What should we do with him?” The coach realized he had left his son at the barbershop.
Then consider the 78-year-old man in Key West, Florida, who thought his roommate was just being stubborn by refusing to answer him. It turned out his roommate had been dead for two months.
A third example is about little Matthew Murray, who took the ride of his life. His daddy put Matthew in the car seat and placed the car seat on top of the car. Then Matthew’s dad got into the car and took off. At fifty miles-per-hour, he saw a diaper go up in the air, and then he saw the car seat, with Matthew in it, fly through the air. Fortunately, the baby landed right side up in the median, and when his dad got to him, Matthew was smiling. Needless to say, God puts extra angels on duty when men are taking care of children. I heard about a guy who was baby-sitting twins. He fed the same one over and over and almost starved the twin brother.
Men focus on what they are doing and forget everything around them, especially relationships. When men my age were growing up, our hero was John Wayne. He said only two words – “Yep” and “Nope.” That’s all he said, and if talking didn’t take care of the problem, then he would fight ‘em or shoot ‘em. He was our hero, and we follow his trail. We’re like the man who told his buddy, “I had words with my wife; she had paragraphs with me.”
Most men want to be close to a woman who will leave them alone. But a woman’s heart is like a campfire. If you don’t tend to it regularly, you’ll soon lose it. It is a constant battle of balance. For example, women want romance. Romance is the opposite of practical. Women think roses. Men think, “Why invest in something that will be dead in four days?” It’s not the flowers women love; it’s the feelings they love when they receive flowers from someone they love. The flowers will die, but the feelings of love will live on, and that is worth your investment.
The concept of Valentine’s Day is difficult, if not impossible, for men to grasp. I was speaking at a Valentine’s Banquet for which the women had gone to a lot of trouble to create the right atmosphere. They decorated the gym and renamed it the “Love Café.” It was romantic with music and candlelight. I listened to the comments from the men at the tables. They were saying things like, “I can’t see my peas.” “It’s so dark in here, I don’t know what I’m eating.”
A Midwestern farmer placed an advertisement in a farm journal. “Wanted: healthy, wholesome wife to work on farm. Must have tractor. P.S. Please send picture of tractor.” That’s a guy – practical through and through. No wonder one lady said her husband had all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty.
Guys, we have to think differently. “Royal Dining” is not eating at Dairy Queen or Burger King. And she doesn’t want a new set of tires for her birthday.
Let me give you some hints – assurance instead of answers, sympathy instead of solutions, and perfume instead of kitchen appliances.
For the guy who said, “I don’t know what to get her for Valentine’s this year – she hasn’t used the floor sander I got her last year,” look for the two o’clock bus. Believe me. You need the work.
http://www.freecomicbelief.com
It’s not hard to find evidence that men have some shortcomings. Recently, without even trying very hard, I found three telling examples in the news. The first example was about a basketball coach who admitted to being “a little bit too focused.” He said that when his young son was three years old, he took him to the barbershop so they could both get a haircut. While the coach was getting his haircut, he started focusing on a ball game on TV, and he continued to think about it as he went home. Two hours later, his wife came home and asked, “Where’s Jeff?” Just then the barbershop called to say, “Jeff’s read all the comic books that are here, and we’re about to close. What should we do with him?” The coach realized he had left his son at the barbershop.
Then consider the 78-year-old man in Key West, Florida, who thought his roommate was just being stubborn by refusing to answer him. It turned out his roommate had been dead for two months.
A third example is about little Matthew Murray, who took the ride of his life. His daddy put Matthew in the car seat and placed the car seat on top of the car. Then Matthew’s dad got into the car and took off. At fifty miles-per-hour, he saw a diaper go up in the air, and then he saw the car seat, with Matthew in it, fly through the air. Fortunately, the baby landed right side up in the median, and when his dad got to him, Matthew was smiling. Needless to say, God puts extra angels on duty when men are taking care of children. I heard about a guy who was baby-sitting twins. He fed the same one over and over and almost starved the twin brother.
Men focus on what they are doing and forget everything around them, especially relationships. When men my age were growing up, our hero was John Wayne. He said only two words – “Yep” and “Nope.” That’s all he said, and if talking didn’t take care of the problem, then he would fight ‘em or shoot ‘em. He was our hero, and we follow his trail. We’re like the man who told his buddy, “I had words with my wife; she had paragraphs with me.”
Most men want to be close to a woman who will leave them alone. But a woman’s heart is like a campfire. If you don’t tend to it regularly, you’ll soon lose it. It is a constant battle of balance. For example, women want romance. Romance is the opposite of practical. Women think roses. Men think, “Why invest in something that will be dead in four days?” It’s not the flowers women love; it’s the feelings they love when they receive flowers from someone they love. The flowers will die, but the feelings of love will live on, and that is worth your investment.
The concept of Valentine’s Day is difficult, if not impossible, for men to grasp. I was speaking at a Valentine’s Banquet for which the women had gone to a lot of trouble to create the right atmosphere. They decorated the gym and renamed it the “Love Café.” It was romantic with music and candlelight. I listened to the comments from the men at the tables. They were saying things like, “I can’t see my peas.” “It’s so dark in here, I don’t know what I’m eating.”
A Midwestern farmer placed an advertisement in a farm journal. “Wanted: healthy, wholesome wife to work on farm. Must have tractor. P.S. Please send picture of tractor.” That’s a guy – practical through and through. No wonder one lady said her husband had all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty.
Guys, we have to think differently. “Royal Dining” is not eating at Dairy Queen or Burger King. And she doesn’t want a new set of tires for her birthday.
Let me give you some hints – assurance instead of answers, sympathy instead of solutions, and perfume instead of kitchen appliances.
For the guy who said, “I don’t know what to get her for Valentine’s this year – she hasn’t used the floor sander I got her last year,” look for the two o’clock bus. Believe me. You need the work.
http://www.freecomicbelief.com
Feel My Muscles
Women have seven stages of life: infant, little girl, miss, young woman, young woman, young woman, and young woman. And any woman knows that the seven stages of a man are: infant, little boy, little boy, little boy, little boy, little boy, and little boy. Most smart women know that a man is just a ten-year-old boy all grown up. He still wants a woman to think he’s wonderful. A ten-year-old boy is outside doing flips on the jungle gym for his mom. He says, “Mom, look at me, aren’t I strong, feel my muscles.” She agrees, “You are so strong. You’re so wonderful.” He always performs for his mother and his mother encourages him.
But then something strange happens around 16 or 17 years of age. His mother starts to see the negative. Instead of watching him perform she focuses on the things she needs to improve. He says, “Feel my muscles.” And she responds with, “Clean up your room,” or “Make better grades.” Eventually he begins to look around for another woman. Ah-ha! “Feel my muscles. Aren’t I wonderful? Watch how hard I hit the ball.” The new woman said, “You’re wonderful! Let me feel your muscles. You’re so strong.” They get married. If this woman isn’t careful she will become like his mother and focus on the negative. He wants her to feel his muscles and tell him he is wonderful. So what happens if she doesn’t? He starts to look for another woman. Most affairs don’t take place for physical reasons but for psychological reasons. A man wants to hear that he’s good and wonderful and that he’s the best.
I’m not the best speaker in the world but my wife and I go to a conference where I speak with several others, she always tells me, “You were the best.” I like that. That’s another way of saying, “Feel my muscles, aren’t I strong?” That’s what a man needs. He’s just a ten year old boy grown up. He wants to be noticed. Every little boy wants to be a hero and the way to his heart is through his ego.
A “thank you” a day will keep the lawyers away. Ladies, when was the last time you told him you appreciated him for all his hard work? Better yet, go around and tell people how great your husband is. You say, “Wait a minute Charles, he’s not very good.” Let me ask you something. Why did you marry him if he’s not very good? Did you look for someone who would make you miserable? When you married, you convinced your parents how good he was. They may have told you that you weren’t old enough or that they didn’t like him. You convinced them otherwise by telling them all the good things about him. What happened? I suggest that your husband isn’t wonderful anymore because you don’t say wonderful things anymore.
Start saying that he’s the best and he will start acting the best. There is one slight problem, he probably doesn’t know how. He needs a little help, like a 10-year-old boy. You have to be direct. You can’t just say that you like flowers you have to be specific. A hint such as, “I like flowers” doesn’t get the job done. That will go over his head and he’ll come home with a package of seeds. You have to look him in the eye, show him flowers, and say, “On the next special occasion, roses like that would be nice and I especially like the yellow ones.” Be direct. If you say you like to travel, he’ll come home with a road map. You have to say, “I want to go to the Grand Canyon with you.” Romance to a man is a woman telling him exactly what she wants. That’s freedom. He can accomplish this and ask you to feel his muscles. This applies to every area of life in communication. Men need specific directions.
Men hate to stop and ask directions but there comes a time when they are lost as a ball in tall weeds. They know they don’t have a clue. He will stop at a convenience store and ask the lady behind the counter for directions. “Do you know where Route 41 is?” She'll say, “Oh, yes, it's easy to find. Go to the third red light and take a left. Then go around the curve but don't take the next right. Go to the next right and you'll see a big tree. Go past the tree and turn on the next left. Go about a 1/2 mile and on the left you'll see a big curve, go past that curve and on past the next curve you'll turn left and you'll be on Route 41.” Every man in America will say, “Thank you very much.” He'll go back to his car and he won't have a clue where Route 41 is.
His wife will say, “Do you know where it is now?” And he'll say, “She didn't know.” He goes on and won't ask again. There's not a man in America who will say, “Excuse me, you're going too fast, could you slow down so I can write this down?” Now, if the lady behind the counter takes the time to show him, we're getting somewhere. She might say, “You know, I have to go right by there in just a few minutes. Why don't you follow me? I'll go slow and when I honk the horn and you'll be there. I will turn the blinker on and you turn.” The man would say, “Thank you God.” And he will find Route 41.
Listen ladies, this is what you do with a man. If you want him to get somewhere, you have to take him slowly and be direct and specific. Remember he’s a 10-year-old boy. If you tell him how to do it, he will. Why? So you can feel his muscles.
http://www.freecomicbelief.com
But then something strange happens around 16 or 17 years of age. His mother starts to see the negative. Instead of watching him perform she focuses on the things she needs to improve. He says, “Feel my muscles.” And she responds with, “Clean up your room,” or “Make better grades.” Eventually he begins to look around for another woman. Ah-ha! “Feel my muscles. Aren’t I wonderful? Watch how hard I hit the ball.” The new woman said, “You’re wonderful! Let me feel your muscles. You’re so strong.” They get married. If this woman isn’t careful she will become like his mother and focus on the negative. He wants her to feel his muscles and tell him he is wonderful. So what happens if she doesn’t? He starts to look for another woman. Most affairs don’t take place for physical reasons but for psychological reasons. A man wants to hear that he’s good and wonderful and that he’s the best.
I’m not the best speaker in the world but my wife and I go to a conference where I speak with several others, she always tells me, “You were the best.” I like that. That’s another way of saying, “Feel my muscles, aren’t I strong?” That’s what a man needs. He’s just a ten year old boy grown up. He wants to be noticed. Every little boy wants to be a hero and the way to his heart is through his ego.
A “thank you” a day will keep the lawyers away. Ladies, when was the last time you told him you appreciated him for all his hard work? Better yet, go around and tell people how great your husband is. You say, “Wait a minute Charles, he’s not very good.” Let me ask you something. Why did you marry him if he’s not very good? Did you look for someone who would make you miserable? When you married, you convinced your parents how good he was. They may have told you that you weren’t old enough or that they didn’t like him. You convinced them otherwise by telling them all the good things about him. What happened? I suggest that your husband isn’t wonderful anymore because you don’t say wonderful things anymore.
Start saying that he’s the best and he will start acting the best. There is one slight problem, he probably doesn’t know how. He needs a little help, like a 10-year-old boy. You have to be direct. You can’t just say that you like flowers you have to be specific. A hint such as, “I like flowers” doesn’t get the job done. That will go over his head and he’ll come home with a package of seeds. You have to look him in the eye, show him flowers, and say, “On the next special occasion, roses like that would be nice and I especially like the yellow ones.” Be direct. If you say you like to travel, he’ll come home with a road map. You have to say, “I want to go to the Grand Canyon with you.” Romance to a man is a woman telling him exactly what she wants. That’s freedom. He can accomplish this and ask you to feel his muscles. This applies to every area of life in communication. Men need specific directions.
Men hate to stop and ask directions but there comes a time when they are lost as a ball in tall weeds. They know they don’t have a clue. He will stop at a convenience store and ask the lady behind the counter for directions. “Do you know where Route 41 is?” She'll say, “Oh, yes, it's easy to find. Go to the third red light and take a left. Then go around the curve but don't take the next right. Go to the next right and you'll see a big tree. Go past the tree and turn on the next left. Go about a 1/2 mile and on the left you'll see a big curve, go past that curve and on past the next curve you'll turn left and you'll be on Route 41.” Every man in America will say, “Thank you very much.” He'll go back to his car and he won't have a clue where Route 41 is.
His wife will say, “Do you know where it is now?” And he'll say, “She didn't know.” He goes on and won't ask again. There's not a man in America who will say, “Excuse me, you're going too fast, could you slow down so I can write this down?” Now, if the lady behind the counter takes the time to show him, we're getting somewhere. She might say, “You know, I have to go right by there in just a few minutes. Why don't you follow me? I'll go slow and when I honk the horn and you'll be there. I will turn the blinker on and you turn.” The man would say, “Thank you God.” And he will find Route 41.
Listen ladies, this is what you do with a man. If you want him to get somewhere, you have to take him slowly and be direct and specific. Remember he’s a 10-year-old boy. If you tell him how to do it, he will. Why? So you can feel his muscles.
http://www.freecomicbelief.com
I Am Woman Hear Me Roar; I Am Man Tell Me More
A boy who grew up in a town so small the school bus was a yellow Toyota, went to see the town druggist. The only place to shop was the town’s drug store. He told the druggist that he wanted three boxes of candy. He wanted a one pound, a three pound, and a five pound box of candy and asked that they be gift-wrapped. The druggist told him OK and then asked the girl behind the counter to wrap the boxes.
When the candy was ready he told the boy, “Here is your one pound, your three pound, and your five pound boxes of candy. I am a little curious, I don’t want to be nosey but this is an unusual request. Would you mind telling me why you want three different sizes?”
He replied, “I’m so excited sir, I’d love to tell you. I have a date tonight with the cutest girl in the whole school. I’m going to her parents’ house and have dinner and after dinner we are going to go out on the porch. We’re going to sit on the swing. And sir, if she lets me hold her hand, I’m going to give her the one pound box of candy. If she lets me put my arm around her, I’ll give her the three pound box of candy. And sir, if she lets me kiss her, I’m going to give her the five pound box of candy.”
Well, lo and behold, the boy showed up and he was asked to say the blessing. He prayed and prayed. He prayed around the world once and then again and then prayed some more. Finally he quit praying. When he did the girl turned to him and said, “I didn’t know you were so religious.” He said, “I didn’t know your daddy was the druggist!”
I can identify with that little boy. Relationships seem to get more and more confusing. A little girl and boy had just met and were playing. The boy said, “Let’s play baseball.” She said, “I don’t want to do that, baseball is a boys’ game and it’s not feminine to run around in a dusty vacant lot. I’m not going to play baseball.” He said, “How about football?” “No, that’s even less feminine. You have to fall down and get dirty. That’s not a girls’ game.”
He said, “OK. I have an idea. I’ll race you to the corner.” She replied, “No, let’s play a quiet game, a game where we don’t run and get all sweaty. Besides, girls never race with boys.” The boy scratched his head in confusion trying to think of something they could do and finally he said, “I have it. Let’s play house.” She said, “Good, I’ll be the Daddy.”
Relationships are confusing because you are normal and everyone else is weird. I’ve discovered one of the main problems is in male/female relationships. All of a sudden, you’re prize package has become a surprise package.
I think the bottom line is that women are just more complex. I know my wife is. For example, If you look in my bathroom you will find about six items – toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor and maybe some hair spray. But if you look in hers there are about 97 items most of which I don’t have a clue what they are.
Then there is the closet. In her closet there are clothes, shoes, and a section for all of her purses. She has brown, black, multi-colored, spring, winter, casual, formal, and Easter purses. My closet, on the other hand, has no such section; I have only one wallet and most of the time I can’t find it.
I guess deep down, men are real shallow. A man can go on a vacation for a week and only carry one suitcase. He can go to the bathroom without taking a support group and he can get a three-pack of underwear for less the $15. He can go to his friend’s house without taking a little surprise gift. Men didn’t grow up saying, “Let’s go to my house and braid our hair and talk.”
So guys, I have some advice. Learn to say just three little words that will revolutionize your relationship. When she tells you about the new color she’s considering for the family room just look in her eyes and say three simple words, “Tell me more.” I guarantee you there will be less of a roar at your house. And ladies remember, when he says, “Tell me more,” he really doesn’t want to know any more. He is only asking because I told him to and he loves you. So think in terms of a pamphlet not a novel. Keep it short with a lot of action, kind of like a Three Stooges movie. He will love it.
http://www.freecomicbelief.com
When the candy was ready he told the boy, “Here is your one pound, your three pound, and your five pound boxes of candy. I am a little curious, I don’t want to be nosey but this is an unusual request. Would you mind telling me why you want three different sizes?”
He replied, “I’m so excited sir, I’d love to tell you. I have a date tonight with the cutest girl in the whole school. I’m going to her parents’ house and have dinner and after dinner we are going to go out on the porch. We’re going to sit on the swing. And sir, if she lets me hold her hand, I’m going to give her the one pound box of candy. If she lets me put my arm around her, I’ll give her the three pound box of candy. And sir, if she lets me kiss her, I’m going to give her the five pound box of candy.”
Well, lo and behold, the boy showed up and he was asked to say the blessing. He prayed and prayed. He prayed around the world once and then again and then prayed some more. Finally he quit praying. When he did the girl turned to him and said, “I didn’t know you were so religious.” He said, “I didn’t know your daddy was the druggist!”
I can identify with that little boy. Relationships seem to get more and more confusing. A little girl and boy had just met and were playing. The boy said, “Let’s play baseball.” She said, “I don’t want to do that, baseball is a boys’ game and it’s not feminine to run around in a dusty vacant lot. I’m not going to play baseball.” He said, “How about football?” “No, that’s even less feminine. You have to fall down and get dirty. That’s not a girls’ game.”
He said, “OK. I have an idea. I’ll race you to the corner.” She replied, “No, let’s play a quiet game, a game where we don’t run and get all sweaty. Besides, girls never race with boys.” The boy scratched his head in confusion trying to think of something they could do and finally he said, “I have it. Let’s play house.” She said, “Good, I’ll be the Daddy.”
Relationships are confusing because you are normal and everyone else is weird. I’ve discovered one of the main problems is in male/female relationships. All of a sudden, you’re prize package has become a surprise package.
I think the bottom line is that women are just more complex. I know my wife is. For example, If you look in my bathroom you will find about six items – toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor and maybe some hair spray. But if you look in hers there are about 97 items most of which I don’t have a clue what they are.
Then there is the closet. In her closet there are clothes, shoes, and a section for all of her purses. She has brown, black, multi-colored, spring, winter, casual, formal, and Easter purses. My closet, on the other hand, has no such section; I have only one wallet and most of the time I can’t find it.
I guess deep down, men are real shallow. A man can go on a vacation for a week and only carry one suitcase. He can go to the bathroom without taking a support group and he can get a three-pack of underwear for less the $15. He can go to his friend’s house without taking a little surprise gift. Men didn’t grow up saying, “Let’s go to my house and braid our hair and talk.”
So guys, I have some advice. Learn to say just three little words that will revolutionize your relationship. When she tells you about the new color she’s considering for the family room just look in her eyes and say three simple words, “Tell me more.” I guarantee you there will be less of a roar at your house. And ladies remember, when he says, “Tell me more,” he really doesn’t want to know any more. He is only asking because I told him to and he loves you. So think in terms of a pamphlet not a novel. Keep it short with a lot of action, kind of like a Three Stooges movie. He will love it.
http://www.freecomicbelief.com
Mickey Mouse Motivates
Behind the magic, the sparkle, all the fantasy, fireworks, adventure, and discovery is one of the most impressive showcases of management you will ever see run by a mouse. Recently, I had the privilege of looking behind the magic curtain to travel underground to Mickey’s domain and invade the infamous “Small World” of Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida. There I learned some valuable principles of management that Mickey Mouse and his entire cast live by.
Walt Disney World strives to understand the kind of people that they are servicing. The bottom line of Disney World’s success is management by story telling. People’s lives are stories, the things they say, and the lives they live. Disney says that success is achieved by successful relationships with people. To establish a good relationship with someone is to understand his story.
Disney World puts its people through a management-training program that consists of telling stories. They tell stories about the people that epitomize those who are their guests. For example, consider the trainee who will be in charge of Dumbo the Flying Elephant. He is not only trained in how to operate Dumbo, but also about the people who are going to ride it. He learns about the little boy who has leukemia and his last wish is to somehow get to ride Dumbo the Flying Elephant. Now when the operator sees a little kid in line, he doesn’t think about operating the ride, he thinks about the little boy with leukemia whose dream is to ride Dumbo the Flying Elephant.
The secret of Disney World is not the methodological and the mechanical; the secret is the people and their spirit on the inside that makes Disney World’s mission important.
I have found that our personal success lies in stories as well. True success is to live our story and enable others to live theirs. We should all have some stories to tell in our companies, our churches, our synagogues and our families. We should also be stories in progress. By the way, thanks for reading my story about Disney and welcome to my stories about life. I have discovered that illustration is more personal than instruction. Stories make the instruction personal and therefore powerful. Humor moistens the needle. It lowers the defenses. So most of these stories are jokes. They’re really jokeries (combines stories and jokes). Since people have told me most of them, forgive me if I tell one of your jokes and I will give you permission to tell some of mine. I hope you find yourself going from “ha ha” to “hummmm and from hummmm to aha”. Be careful, these jokeries could change your life.
http://www.freecomicbelief.com
Walt Disney World strives to understand the kind of people that they are servicing. The bottom line of Disney World’s success is management by story telling. People’s lives are stories, the things they say, and the lives they live. Disney says that success is achieved by successful relationships with people. To establish a good relationship with someone is to understand his story.
Disney World puts its people through a management-training program that consists of telling stories. They tell stories about the people that epitomize those who are their guests. For example, consider the trainee who will be in charge of Dumbo the Flying Elephant. He is not only trained in how to operate Dumbo, but also about the people who are going to ride it. He learns about the little boy who has leukemia and his last wish is to somehow get to ride Dumbo the Flying Elephant. Now when the operator sees a little kid in line, he doesn’t think about operating the ride, he thinks about the little boy with leukemia whose dream is to ride Dumbo the Flying Elephant.
The secret of Disney World is not the methodological and the mechanical; the secret is the people and their spirit on the inside that makes Disney World’s mission important.
I have found that our personal success lies in stories as well. True success is to live our story and enable others to live theirs. We should all have some stories to tell in our companies, our churches, our synagogues and our families. We should also be stories in progress. By the way, thanks for reading my story about Disney and welcome to my stories about life. I have discovered that illustration is more personal than instruction. Stories make the instruction personal and therefore powerful. Humor moistens the needle. It lowers the defenses. So most of these stories are jokes. They’re really jokeries (combines stories and jokes). Since people have told me most of them, forgive me if I tell one of your jokes and I will give you permission to tell some of mine. I hope you find yourself going from “ha ha” to “hummmm and from hummmm to aha”. Be careful, these jokeries could change your life.
http://www.freecomicbelief.com
Stages Of Marriage
As our girls were growing up I spent father/daughter time by taking them individually on a trip. They picked the location and the restaurants. One year Breanne chose Orlando, home of Disney World. Our hotel was right by McDonald's. We had 14 meals at McDonald's that week. I was soon called McCharles. I was able to watch the interaction between parents and their children and most of the kids weren't having fun at a place built for kids. I saw a man dragging his kid while telling him, you're going to see Mickey Mouse. The kid said, But I don't like Mickey Mouse. The father countered, I've driven 677 miles and you're going to see Mickey Mouse. Other children were hurried from ride to ride. Parents were trying to get the best dollar per ride ratio. They figured they had paid $30 and they needed to ride at least 30 rides. That logic made the kids miserable. Here I was at the place made for fun and the kids weren't having any.
Let me ask you something. Have you had any fun lately? I live in a state where people flock to casinos. Why? Do they go to make money? I don't think their IQ Test came back negative. They are looking for fun. I guess the biggest compliment we received as a family was from our niece. She stayed with us for a weekend and said, I like to stay at Uncle Charles and Aunt Penny's house. Its the laughing house. She meant that it was a place where people liked to have fun.
It wasn't always that way. I realized at one point in my life I was against just about everything. My kids would ask, Can we do that? Id say, No its too expensive. Can we do this? No, were Christians. Well how about that? No, its Sunday. My kids would finally ask, Well, what can we do? Nothing. I would say, You have to be miserable the rest of your life just like me.
Sadly, the worst day was Sunday. It is incredible what happens. People scream at each other. You have 28 seconds to eat those Froot Loops, boy, we have to go to church. Praise Jesus. You know how it is when you're trying to get the family ready for church. You have to get everyone dressed and teeth brushed.
Dads are what I call heavenly honkers. The men go out to the car and honk, honk, honk, We have to go, were late! We don't think about helping. We just honk and holler. It was the same when I grew up. We got in the car, slammed a door, and everyone was in a bad mood. We look more steamed than redeemed. We drove by the heathens house. You know the heathens. The father is in his undershirt drinking a Miller Lite and playing softball with the kids. Everyone is laughing and having fun. And in the car its miserable. Just about that time, my Dad sees the heathens. Look at those heathens out there, they don't know the joy of Jesus. My brothers and I made a commitment in the backseat of our car that we would be heathens when we grew up. They seemed to be the only ones having fun. It didn't get any better when we arrived at church. It seemed like someone was always disciplining me for running in Gods house or even His yard.
One Sunday our family decided to get up thirty minutes early for church to lighten the stress. We were ready for church early and no one knew what to do. It had never happened before in our family and probably never happened in the history of Christendom. Jesus had fun. The first public event he went to was a party (wedding feast at Cana). He didn't share the four spiritual laws with anyone he just had fun. My kids are grown and we talk about what them remember as children They didn't remember a single sermon I preached although I preached some good ones. What they do remember is that we had fun.
This Sunday, why don't you try it? Start things a little earlier and on the way home from church you suggest having some fun. Say something like, Why don't we stop and get a pizza and play some video games. Your family will think you're on drugs, or snorting Sweet and Low. They may think they should put dad into some treatment program. Or maybe they will think that Christians can have fun or better yet they may want to be one.
http://www.freecomicbelief.com
Let me ask you something. Have you had any fun lately? I live in a state where people flock to casinos. Why? Do they go to make money? I don't think their IQ Test came back negative. They are looking for fun. I guess the biggest compliment we received as a family was from our niece. She stayed with us for a weekend and said, I like to stay at Uncle Charles and Aunt Penny's house. Its the laughing house. She meant that it was a place where people liked to have fun.
It wasn't always that way. I realized at one point in my life I was against just about everything. My kids would ask, Can we do that? Id say, No its too expensive. Can we do this? No, were Christians. Well how about that? No, its Sunday. My kids would finally ask, Well, what can we do? Nothing. I would say, You have to be miserable the rest of your life just like me.
Sadly, the worst day was Sunday. It is incredible what happens. People scream at each other. You have 28 seconds to eat those Froot Loops, boy, we have to go to church. Praise Jesus. You know how it is when you're trying to get the family ready for church. You have to get everyone dressed and teeth brushed.
Dads are what I call heavenly honkers. The men go out to the car and honk, honk, honk, We have to go, were late! We don't think about helping. We just honk and holler. It was the same when I grew up. We got in the car, slammed a door, and everyone was in a bad mood. We look more steamed than redeemed. We drove by the heathens house. You know the heathens. The father is in his undershirt drinking a Miller Lite and playing softball with the kids. Everyone is laughing and having fun. And in the car its miserable. Just about that time, my Dad sees the heathens. Look at those heathens out there, they don't know the joy of Jesus. My brothers and I made a commitment in the backseat of our car that we would be heathens when we grew up. They seemed to be the only ones having fun. It didn't get any better when we arrived at church. It seemed like someone was always disciplining me for running in Gods house or even His yard.
One Sunday our family decided to get up thirty minutes early for church to lighten the stress. We were ready for church early and no one knew what to do. It had never happened before in our family and probably never happened in the history of Christendom. Jesus had fun. The first public event he went to was a party (wedding feast at Cana). He didn't share the four spiritual laws with anyone he just had fun. My kids are grown and we talk about what them remember as children They didn't remember a single sermon I preached although I preached some good ones. What they do remember is that we had fun.
This Sunday, why don't you try it? Start things a little earlier and on the way home from church you suggest having some fun. Say something like, Why don't we stop and get a pizza and play some video games. Your family will think you're on drugs, or snorting Sweet and Low. They may think they should put dad into some treatment program. Or maybe they will think that Christians can have fun or better yet they may want to be one.
http://www.freecomicbelief.com
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